They/Them/Theirs: This is not an explanation I owe to you

For the most part, I am female-presenting, 
and I choose they/them/their's pronouns for 
many reasons. None of these reasons include 
anything like your comfort unless 
you are someone in the realm of folks 

with whom I wish to show solidarity. 

This is not an explanation I owe to you. This is not a signifier of an identity crisis. This is ultimately none of your fucking business. This is not a signifier of a course of action you imagine for me. This is not license for you to ask me what I do with my genitals or my love. This is not license for you to tell me what I should be doing with my genitals, my body, my mind, or my love. 

This should be enough: They/them/theirs. It is what I prefer to be called, and yes, it is absolutely political. This is not a blanket statement over anyone else.

I have always felt "in-between things." I was born on the cusp of Taurus/Gemini. I was born to a white mother and Black father. My familial life for a long time was always in some state of flux. We lived in at least five or six places before I was five years old, stitching our way back and forth over the country, and with many homelife instabilities that carried forth into my adult life. For most of my life, I've felt like I was in some sort of limbo for so many reasons and in so many different ways. I write about these things in other places.

I have always felt someplace between what our society calls female and male (though I used to call this state "nondescript," and often dressed accordingly), and I have always craved some sort of script or even mention (permission, even) of an integrated gender, one that was both, neither, all. Shiva Linga, for example, or my idea of what Divinity is: a place from which all things come and then return, which ultimately does not have any gender, and which ultimately switches back and forth and to every in-between, depending on what energy is called for. 

Two of my Shiva Lingas -- in simplified terms, Shiva Lingas are 
a representation or manifestation of feminine 
and masculine energies combined.

In my deepest silent moments, I am neither. I know what organs my physical form carries, and I know how this body functions biologically. But that is not all that I am. 

I know precisely what reasons led me to they/them/theirs. I have been thinking about it a lot because people often ask me. I will list some of these reasons below, and give myself license to change this list as I need to:

I can choose.

There isn't a lot more to say here other than that. I can choose. This is an action out of my own volition. I choose they/them/theirs, and I am thankful that it mostly feels significantly safer in 2019 to do so because of everyone who is celebrating who they are and how they want to, because of everyone who has come before, because of everyone who has suffered/ is suffering or who died because they stood up for who they are, or because they simply exist. Choosing they/them/theirs is one minuscule action I can make towards that energy of everyone being able to choose how they express their gender.

I want to recognize, too, how for many of us, it really isn't safer. Folks are still being harassed and even killed for expressing how they want or need to express. It is important to point out that I am very lucky in being surrounded by supporting and growing communities who create a foundation and safe container in which many of us can come out and be who we are in the world when and if we feel ready. It is also important for me to recognize my particular privilege. I am female-presenting, which jives with most folks' perception of who/what I am.

I am less and less afraid to use myself as an example.

It has become important to me to show my clients and students where I stand, and to hopefully open up spaces that aren't always safe or welcoming for folks who reside on any point of the gender spectrum that isn't fully accepted by social norms which are predominately determined by a select minority who deems any "deviation" a threat to whatever comfort or power structure they would like to uphold. For the record, gender nonconformity is not a deviation. Gender nonconformity is valid expression and necessary action. There are other terms that ring better than "gender nonconformity," in my opinion, like "gender fluidity." I feel that it is important to say that.

I am a person who recognizes my own energetic and gender fluxes.

I've often considered it a goal, to be that entity I feel I am in my deepest silent moments. Currently, though I feel this state of in-betweenness, I do not feel wholly fluid. I do not feel wholly free. I do not feel wholly urgent in being one thing or another. Maybe I never will. I do feel, that for me, fe/male is a false dichotomy. I am not either/or, though sometimes, yes, I am.

I've never felt particularly "female," and I don't completely jive with feeling "male," though I recognize myself as carrying both energies in differing capacities. The term "female" (along with Black, Queer, POC, etc.) is a label that only matters when I leave my house. It is a term that is most often applied from the outside. It is a term that is applied without asking me who I am or how I feel. It is a term that makes many assumptions. Most terms place a certain stagnancy, and demand a certain outcome. I am stubborn, and feel more comfortable being a living, breathing, changing question. 

I realize that in this moment I contradict myself. I've said my choice of pronouns isn't any of your bee's wax, and I have said that I prefer to be a question. People will ask, and I prefer this over any assumption, and there are plenty of resources these days to direct folks to when necessary.

"Guide to Being a Trans Ally" is one of many 
helpful resources available, this one from 

PFLAG, an organization that "unites parents,

and allies with people who are are lesbian, gay, 

bisexual, transgender, and queer.

To show solidarity with my friends and loves who are transitioning, coming home or who are also finding comfort in or making sense of any version of an in-between place.

Not even a year ago, I was with a dear friend in the hospital during their top surgery. I was reminded all the reasons I try to stay out of hospitals, one of the main being a certain loss of agency that can happen when you enter a hospital's doors. That is: if you are not informed enough about your personal needs, about how the system works, what's available, your rights, etc. as a patient, as a person, and if you do not essentially fight full-steam, non-stop for those needs and rights, even during the heavy grog- of painkillers and the constant change of cast who have varying degrees of care for the patients on their shifts, whose ideas don't always jive in the same lines of compassion, because they can't (overtired, overworked, etc) or because they won't (these reasons are to numerous to name).

I won't say much about this except that I was deeply affected watching my friend fight the whole time through potential mistakes by the staff (at least a couple of which were caught by my friend's hyper-vigilance) which could have been detrimental (physically, mentally, emotionally) or fatal. Self-Advocacy needed to be constant, and having a network of support to uphold that advocacy was paramount. 

I've heard other stories that I cannot mention, but if you do any search on the internet, you can see for yourself how the medical establishment is far behind in implementing inclusive care. You can also find many stories (some of them might be your own!) about how the medical establishment plays all-knowing and also gaslights so many of its patients who either don't know better or feel powerless or who have placed too much trust in Western Medicine as a know-all cure-all. 

A Note: As I said above, this post is not meant to be a blanket statement over anyone. This is written from where I am today, with what ability I have right now to see into this subject. There are probably holes here, and I am noting that in my states of flux, I am also learning and growing, and I hope to continue opening my understanding towards more inclusivity, self-recognition/love, and helpfulness.